Grudges
Grudges are something I struggle with a lot. If I feel like you hurt me, I hold onto that. Whether you've been a friend of mine for years and you said something harmful or you're a boy that broke my heart, I'll cling to those emotions and hold them against you for months, possibly years. It's like my self defense mechanism. I think if I cling to the times I've been hurt and refuse to let them go, I'll protect myself from letting it happen again.
The thing is though, this just makes me a very bitter and stressed out person. Half the time I don't even let the person know they've done something wrong because I avoid confrontation so hard. Basically, while at night I'm dreaming of being an agent of SHIELD who's attempting to shoot your ass, during the day I won't dare say anything to your face about how I'm feeling and will do my best to tune you out instead. I think if I'm distant and reserved said person will care enough to ask if something is wrong and then I'll explain, but this never happens. I'm still unsure if that means people refuse to acknowledge their own actions having negative consequences or if that means said person doesn't care one way or the other. Whatever reason, it's a pretty miserable way to live and I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't seem to control it.
I mean, my passive aggressive hostility gets so bad that for awhile I'll refuse to respond to messages from specific people in groups chats or like anything they post on social media because in my head I'm like, "Yeah, this will show them how angry I am." I mean, how dumb is that? The worst part is even after I've finally decided I should let go of my animosity these actions have become so ingrained in my everyday behavior that it becomes a habit.
And honestly I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of keeping all of this negativity bottled up. I'm tired of always being bitter. I'm tired of being tired.
So, I'm going to start trying to be more forgiving. I think I've learned that you can forgive someone without letting them back into that spot they used to hold in your heart, which is what always scared me. I thought forgiving someone meant giving them the power to hurt me again, but now I don't think that's necessarily true. You can forgive and let things go without everything going back to how it was and that's okay. You're going to go through changes in every relationship and sometimes that means things happening that cause you not to be as close to a person as you once were. And that's really okay.
Here's to hoping this works.
XO,
S
The thing is though, this just makes me a very bitter and stressed out person. Half the time I don't even let the person know they've done something wrong because I avoid confrontation so hard. Basically, while at night I'm dreaming of being an agent of SHIELD who's attempting to shoot your ass, during the day I won't dare say anything to your face about how I'm feeling and will do my best to tune you out instead. I think if I'm distant and reserved said person will care enough to ask if something is wrong and then I'll explain, but this never happens. I'm still unsure if that means people refuse to acknowledge their own actions having negative consequences or if that means said person doesn't care one way or the other. Whatever reason, it's a pretty miserable way to live and I know I shouldn't do it, but I can't seem to control it.
I mean, my passive aggressive hostility gets so bad that for awhile I'll refuse to respond to messages from specific people in groups chats or like anything they post on social media because in my head I'm like, "Yeah, this will show them how angry I am." I mean, how dumb is that? The worst part is even after I've finally decided I should let go of my animosity these actions have become so ingrained in my everyday behavior that it becomes a habit.
And honestly I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of keeping all of this negativity bottled up. I'm tired of always being bitter. I'm tired of being tired.
So, I'm going to start trying to be more forgiving. I think I've learned that you can forgive someone without letting them back into that spot they used to hold in your heart, which is what always scared me. I thought forgiving someone meant giving them the power to hurt me again, but now I don't think that's necessarily true. You can forgive and let things go without everything going back to how it was and that's okay. You're going to go through changes in every relationship and sometimes that means things happening that cause you not to be as close to a person as you once were. And that's really okay.
Here's to hoping this works.
XO,
S
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