"Flaws" Insecurities Part 2
Hey guys,
Welcome to the second part of my insecurities post. This one's gonna focus more on the things that up until probably this summer I wasn't exactly fond of when it came to my personality. It started last winter when I hit this point where I was really hard on myself about things I considered to be flaws in what made me a person when in reality they're just normal things that make me who I am.
To begin with, I see myself as a fairly simple person. There's not much complexity to me and I felt like that was a bad thing because I was writing a character who had such depth about her. I thought, "How can I possibly write about this girl when she's nothing like me?" I haven't experienced any of her events, so how could I do this? One night two of my friends were discussing how it was hard for them to open up and I've always known they had these depths to them that I can't relate to, but for some reason this time it made me feel so insignificant. It was as though because I didn't see myself as this person who felt deep and insightful, it meant I was too plain. Ordinary. Uninteresting. All of these negative connotations that really didn't make sense. I hated that someone could meet me and have the same impression of me at that point as they would five months later. I always go the 'oh she's nice,' 'she's sweet,' 'she's quiet,' and they never seemed to change from that. It was like that was all there was to me, as though that was all I had to offer when really I was just selling myself short. Sure, I was pretty much the same person at all times, but was that such a terrible thing? Shouldn't I want people to know that I'm generally a kind person, or that I at least try to be?
This line of thinking led me into my next concern: I'm sensitive. I'm an emotional person; if I care about you I put my all into you until you do something that makes me feel rejected. It doesn't matter whether you're family, just a friend, or someone I like, I'm going to go full force into our relationships. This has typically led to me getting myself hurt, especially in the boy department. Once I decide I like someone, that's it. I cling to those feelings and focus my energy on doing all I can for them. Essentially, I wear my heart on my sleeve and fall so easily. The sensitivity kicks in when the people I care about say something to me that I take to heart. I remember statements people make and use them to beat myself up until I almost reached this point of sadness that makes me wish I could be someone else. "You're too focused on ____" "You're violent." "You can't be so dependent on ____ forever." "You're sheeping. Be your own person." "You're so whiny." "You're the problem child." There's so many more I could mention, but I think you get the point. I won't always take things like this seriously, but when I do they stick in my head forever. Even if it's just teasing, I can so easily take it to heart because doesn't teasing have a least a little bit of truth behind it sometimes? And for so long I thought this was wrong. I thought I needed to stop being this person, but over the summer I realized that wasn't true. There are aspects that I want to change, like how I take people's jokes to heart and hold them there, but that doesn't mean I have to lose my sensitivity. The world needs people like this; people who trust easily and feel the emotions of others. People who are okay with being vulnerable to the world because it means others know they could come to them with anything and they would understand the feelings attached to the situation or at least try to. So while yes, being hurt by stupid comments is overboard for me personally, being sensitive to emotions is not.
The last main personality feature I was insecure about was my memory. This sounds like a weird one especially compared to the others but it'll hopefully make a little more sense after I explain it. I have what I refer to as an extreme creeper memory. I can remember the exact sentences people said to me anywhere from months ago to years ago. I can't really demonstrate this accurately because you guys wouldn't know if the statements were true or not, but I promise it's a skill I have. It's especially bad with people that I never actually met but I recognize them years later. This happened with one of my friends I have now. I never really knew him other than seeing him a couple of times at a swing dance place because he knew one of my friends. Fast forward about three years to last year when I started college and bam there's this boy in my former roommate's Ram Fam and I immediately recognized him and remembered his name. Unfortunately for me, I made the mistake of telling said roommate and she forced me to be introduced to the boy. Needless to say, his first impression of me was that I was a very creepy person and he didn't really want anything to do with me. Sorry, Zach. I make mistakes like that a lot, but usually it's about reminding someone of something they said months ago that they don't remember ever saying because it was some off-handed comment that they didn't intend on making an impact. That's the reason it made me insecure: Instead of remembering useful things like whatever my professor had lectured on that morning, I knew the stupid facts like that person across the room's favorite color that they mentioned on the first day of class. I've come to terms with this by figuring if someone gets freaked out that I can recall what they wore last time we hung out then we're not meant to be that great of friends. I can't control the things my mind stores, so why be ashamed and hide them?
All three of these things are characteristics I've learned to like and appreciate about myself. I thoroughly enjoy watching people's confusion when I spout off random information they told me months ago. I don't mind that I can let others see how I feel or that I can bury it and focus on their problems. I'm content with someone meeting me and walking away just thinking I'm nice or quiet. It's made me a much happier person to just reflect on things I once viewed as flaws and pick out the more positive sides of them. Once you focus on these aspects, it becomes a little easier to shut down the negatives that can torment you, but don't forget them entirely. Negatives help you grow and mature just as much-if not more-than the positives. Everything is not always happy and cheerful, but it's definitely nice to pull all those things forward in your mind. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of self-evaluation.
XO, S
Welcome to the second part of my insecurities post. This one's gonna focus more on the things that up until probably this summer I wasn't exactly fond of when it came to my personality. It started last winter when I hit this point where I was really hard on myself about things I considered to be flaws in what made me a person when in reality they're just normal things that make me who I am.
To begin with, I see myself as a fairly simple person. There's not much complexity to me and I felt like that was a bad thing because I was writing a character who had such depth about her. I thought, "How can I possibly write about this girl when she's nothing like me?" I haven't experienced any of her events, so how could I do this? One night two of my friends were discussing how it was hard for them to open up and I've always known they had these depths to them that I can't relate to, but for some reason this time it made me feel so insignificant. It was as though because I didn't see myself as this person who felt deep and insightful, it meant I was too plain. Ordinary. Uninteresting. All of these negative connotations that really didn't make sense. I hated that someone could meet me and have the same impression of me at that point as they would five months later. I always go the 'oh she's nice,' 'she's sweet,' 'she's quiet,' and they never seemed to change from that. It was like that was all there was to me, as though that was all I had to offer when really I was just selling myself short. Sure, I was pretty much the same person at all times, but was that such a terrible thing? Shouldn't I want people to know that I'm generally a kind person, or that I at least try to be?
This line of thinking led me into my next concern: I'm sensitive. I'm an emotional person; if I care about you I put my all into you until you do something that makes me feel rejected. It doesn't matter whether you're family, just a friend, or someone I like, I'm going to go full force into our relationships. This has typically led to me getting myself hurt, especially in the boy department. Once I decide I like someone, that's it. I cling to those feelings and focus my energy on doing all I can for them. Essentially, I wear my heart on my sleeve and fall so easily. The sensitivity kicks in when the people I care about say something to me that I take to heart. I remember statements people make and use them to beat myself up until I almost reached this point of sadness that makes me wish I could be someone else. "You're too focused on ____" "You're violent." "You can't be so dependent on ____ forever." "You're sheeping. Be your own person." "You're so whiny." "You're the problem child." There's so many more I could mention, but I think you get the point. I won't always take things like this seriously, but when I do they stick in my head forever. Even if it's just teasing, I can so easily take it to heart because doesn't teasing have a least a little bit of truth behind it sometimes? And for so long I thought this was wrong. I thought I needed to stop being this person, but over the summer I realized that wasn't true. There are aspects that I want to change, like how I take people's jokes to heart and hold them there, but that doesn't mean I have to lose my sensitivity. The world needs people like this; people who trust easily and feel the emotions of others. People who are okay with being vulnerable to the world because it means others know they could come to them with anything and they would understand the feelings attached to the situation or at least try to. So while yes, being hurt by stupid comments is overboard for me personally, being sensitive to emotions is not.
The last main personality feature I was insecure about was my memory. This sounds like a weird one especially compared to the others but it'll hopefully make a little more sense after I explain it. I have what I refer to as an extreme creeper memory. I can remember the exact sentences people said to me anywhere from months ago to years ago. I can't really demonstrate this accurately because you guys wouldn't know if the statements were true or not, but I promise it's a skill I have. It's especially bad with people that I never actually met but I recognize them years later. This happened with one of my friends I have now. I never really knew him other than seeing him a couple of times at a swing dance place because he knew one of my friends. Fast forward about three years to last year when I started college and bam there's this boy in my former roommate's Ram Fam and I immediately recognized him and remembered his name. Unfortunately for me, I made the mistake of telling said roommate and she forced me to be introduced to the boy. Needless to say, his first impression of me was that I was a very creepy person and he didn't really want anything to do with me. Sorry, Zach. I make mistakes like that a lot, but usually it's about reminding someone of something they said months ago that they don't remember ever saying because it was some off-handed comment that they didn't intend on making an impact. That's the reason it made me insecure: Instead of remembering useful things like whatever my professor had lectured on that morning, I knew the stupid facts like that person across the room's favorite color that they mentioned on the first day of class. I've come to terms with this by figuring if someone gets freaked out that I can recall what they wore last time we hung out then we're not meant to be that great of friends. I can't control the things my mind stores, so why be ashamed and hide them?
All three of these things are characteristics I've learned to like and appreciate about myself. I thoroughly enjoy watching people's confusion when I spout off random information they told me months ago. I don't mind that I can let others see how I feel or that I can bury it and focus on their problems. I'm content with someone meeting me and walking away just thinking I'm nice or quiet. It's made me a much happier person to just reflect on things I once viewed as flaws and pick out the more positive sides of them. Once you focus on these aspects, it becomes a little easier to shut down the negatives that can torment you, but don't forget them entirely. Negatives help you grow and mature just as much-if not more-than the positives. Everything is not always happy and cheerful, but it's definitely nice to pull all those things forward in your mind. Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of self-evaluation.
XO, S
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