I don't have interesting song lyrics to make this title so you get this instead
The past month I've been studying non-stop for my GRE.
Well.
Not really.
I've intended to be studying non-stop. But instead I've discovered I will do literally anything to avoid studying math. EXCEPT the things that I actually love and want to do. I haven't written anymore than like 2 pages in the book I've been working on that I'm REALLY pumped about but avoid my journal like the plague. I've read maybe 2 chapters in both the books I started 2 months ago. I still haven't finished that paint by numbers I got 2.5 months ago. I haven't even really journaled even though there's a thousand things I want to say. What even is the sun? Fresh air?
Instead, here's a list of things I've done:
1. Stared absently at my fish for 40 minute increments
2. Cleaned a different room in my apartment every day
3. Washed all the rugs. Again.
4. PC games (pretty happy with that one tbh)
5. Stared at my pictures on my walls
6. Went to a coffee shop to force myself to study, stared out the window
7. Watched random YouTube videos
8. Did research on my snail
9. Netflix
I've always been a horrible procrastinator, but this is a new level. I don't mind learning and studying things I enjoy, i.e, psych, mental illness, sociology, snail facts. But the thing I'm struggling with is relearning pretty much all things math because I haven't done it in 4 years and even then I've never been good at it. So sitting down for hours and hours every day trying to force it to make sense has made me cry on more than one occasion. In addition, even when it does click I don't retain it so really that doesn't help me any.
But the light at the end of the tunnel is: I'll finally maybe be one step closer to going to grad school. For a couple years now, getting my masters has kind of been this elusive thing in the distance that I hoped for but couldn't really obtain. I lost my passion for counseling when I realized I hold onto things too hard. If I couldn't handle my own stress half the time, how could I help anyone else through their problems? I'm good at listening, not so much at guiding. But that was the only idea of a direction I had to go and the idea of spending so much money on something I wasn't all into was really disheartening. I hoped getting a job would give me more direction, but... I tried working in the psych field doing the only thing I was really qualified for-being a behavior tech-and I really disliked it. I didn't really know how to handle severe patients and it didn't help that I only ever did overnights. I felt too small and lost all the time. Then I swung drastically from that and dove into Boosterthon, which I loved being a part of, but it was so opposite from where I wanted to be. Helping people get money for their schools was fun, but not where my heart was. That discouraged me even more. By then I had a couple more options and ideas that I was a lot happier with for school-social work in hospitals, specifically as a child life specialist if possible-but they felt so unobtainable. School felt like it was getting pushed further and further away.
But then about a month ago, I started a new job. I now work with children with autism and other behavior disorders. While a large portion of my job is just entering data that someone else took on the kids in my caseload, I absolutely love the times when I get to work directly with them. They're seldom for now, but I've been the happiest I have in awhile in those classrooms. And I don't want to settle for this role. I don't want to be the person behind the scenes in an office inputting data into Excel spreadsheets for the rest of my life. I want to actually work with kids, I want to help, I want to make a difference. Maybe I'll end up sticking more toward the Applied Behavior Analysis work I'm doing now, or maybe I'll actually get to be a Child Life Specialist. Either way, my passion to be more has been renewed. I want to be the person that is there to be reliable and calming, that can help the kids in the hospital gets the resources they need to still be kids while coping with illness or anything of the sort, or that makes a child with autism or any other disorder feel accepted and understood. I have this very deep need to nurture and help and I'm so glad to have found something I feel like can lead me in that direction. I hope it continues to feel that way.
All this was a roundabout way of saying, I'm terrible at studying but I know I need to because I genuinely want to go back to school now. But here I am, having wasted an hour writing this instead of reviewing because I found yet another way to avoid it.
Let's face it, I'm going to have to retake this freaking test.
Well.
Not really.
I've intended to be studying non-stop. But instead I've discovered I will do literally anything to avoid studying math. EXCEPT the things that I actually love and want to do. I haven't written anymore than like 2 pages in the book I've been working on that I'm REALLY pumped about but avoid my journal like the plague. I've read maybe 2 chapters in both the books I started 2 months ago. I still haven't finished that paint by numbers I got 2.5 months ago. I haven't even really journaled even though there's a thousand things I want to say. What even is the sun? Fresh air?
Instead, here's a list of things I've done:
1. Stared absently at my fish for 40 minute increments
2. Cleaned a different room in my apartment every day
3. Washed all the rugs. Again.
4. PC games (pretty happy with that one tbh)
5. Stared at my pictures on my walls
6. Went to a coffee shop to force myself to study, stared out the window
7. Watched random YouTube videos
8. Did research on my snail
9. Netflix
I've always been a horrible procrastinator, but this is a new level. I don't mind learning and studying things I enjoy, i.e, psych, mental illness, sociology, snail facts. But the thing I'm struggling with is relearning pretty much all things math because I haven't done it in 4 years and even then I've never been good at it. So sitting down for hours and hours every day trying to force it to make sense has made me cry on more than one occasion. In addition, even when it does click I don't retain it so really that doesn't help me any.
But the light at the end of the tunnel is: I'll finally maybe be one step closer to going to grad school. For a couple years now, getting my masters has kind of been this elusive thing in the distance that I hoped for but couldn't really obtain. I lost my passion for counseling when I realized I hold onto things too hard. If I couldn't handle my own stress half the time, how could I help anyone else through their problems? I'm good at listening, not so much at guiding. But that was the only idea of a direction I had to go and the idea of spending so much money on something I wasn't all into was really disheartening. I hoped getting a job would give me more direction, but... I tried working in the psych field doing the only thing I was really qualified for-being a behavior tech-and I really disliked it. I didn't really know how to handle severe patients and it didn't help that I only ever did overnights. I felt too small and lost all the time. Then I swung drastically from that and dove into Boosterthon, which I loved being a part of, but it was so opposite from where I wanted to be. Helping people get money for their schools was fun, but not where my heart was. That discouraged me even more. By then I had a couple more options and ideas that I was a lot happier with for school-social work in hospitals, specifically as a child life specialist if possible-but they felt so unobtainable. School felt like it was getting pushed further and further away.
But then about a month ago, I started a new job. I now work with children with autism and other behavior disorders. While a large portion of my job is just entering data that someone else took on the kids in my caseload, I absolutely love the times when I get to work directly with them. They're seldom for now, but I've been the happiest I have in awhile in those classrooms. And I don't want to settle for this role. I don't want to be the person behind the scenes in an office inputting data into Excel spreadsheets for the rest of my life. I want to actually work with kids, I want to help, I want to make a difference. Maybe I'll end up sticking more toward the Applied Behavior Analysis work I'm doing now, or maybe I'll actually get to be a Child Life Specialist. Either way, my passion to be more has been renewed. I want to be the person that is there to be reliable and calming, that can help the kids in the hospital gets the resources they need to still be kids while coping with illness or anything of the sort, or that makes a child with autism or any other disorder feel accepted and understood. I have this very deep need to nurture and help and I'm so glad to have found something I feel like can lead me in that direction. I hope it continues to feel that way.
All this was a roundabout way of saying, I'm terrible at studying but I know I need to because I genuinely want to go back to school now. But here I am, having wasted an hour writing this instead of reviewing because I found yet another way to avoid it.
Let's face it, I'm going to have to retake this freaking test.
We're very proud of you Shelby. I know you can do it. You have achieved more in your life than I could ever dream about. We are proud of you and love you very much. Nana & Papa
ReplyDeleteThis whole process is a journey. It's just as important to learn what's not your thing as it is to learn what IS your thing. I'm excited for the possibilities ahead of you. You're not alone in procrastinating for the GRE, and also not alone in the math anxiety! Hey most of us psych people went this direction hoping to avoid math forever :-) my advice, just sign up for the GRE if you haven't yet. Having the date set will help you focus some more. Set a time to study, say 1 hour each day, having that time carved out might also help. Sit in a place with very few things that could distract you, including no internet. Then, just give it the best you can and try not to feel discouraged. Most Psych grad programs will weigh the written portion much more heavily than math and you're a great writer. My GRE scores were slightly below acceptance rate and i got in based on lots of other things. We can talk about this more sometime if you want. Thanks for sharing this!!
ReplyDeleteJamie
I'm horrible at checking the comments here, but I just wanted to let you know that I did take the test! My scores weren't as bad as I was expecting and my writing score was actually really, really good. So I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing! I might take it again in a few months to try to improve a little more, I'm not sure yet. But thank you so much for the encouragement and advice!!
Delete