Big Time Rush

A few days ago I found myself telling someone that they shouldn't rush to settle on a career because they feel like they have to, that they're young and have all the time in the world to settle down even if it doesn't feel like it. And as I was saying this, it occurred to me... This is exactly what I've spent the last two years of my life doing.

Katy's been telling me for months to not rush into Grad school just because I felt like it was the next step that I had to take. That I shouldn't just pick a degree because I had to and it not be something I'm passionate about. I would say I know I know, you're right, but would still manage to stress out over the idea that I HAD to go back to school next year when I have no idea what I want to do.

But this idea that I HAVE to be back in school as soon as possible came out of a need to prove others wrong. When I say I'm taking time off to figure out what I want to do, I'm always met with the response of, "Oh, be careful with that. You'll never go back." I can probably count on one hand the amount of people that have supported the time I've taken off. You can only hear something so many times before you start to believe it, right? Which is why I've spent the past two years terrified that these people would be right. After all, am I any closer to knowing what I want?

Nope.

Originally, I was going to be a counselor. I got my Bachelor's in Psychology because I was so certain that is what I would end up doing. I wanted to help others, I'm passionate about Mental Health, and I know so many people who have struggled. What better to do than become someone who knows what to do in those situations? But the more I got into it, the more I realized I didn't want to learn how to shut off the part of myself that held onto others feelings. I was an intern with a guidance counselor and I couldn't figure out how not to carry with me the things these kids would tell me; they would stick in my brain and wear on me. I knew it would take practice to let all that go, but the idea of carrying the weight of others people's problems on top of my own was exhausting. As much as I care about mental health, by the end of my undergrad I couldn't picture sitting in an office every day and listening to clients.

I've held onto the want to help others, I need to feel like I do that. So, from counseling and clinical psych, I moved on to being a Child Life Specialist. Which, honestly, I still think I really would like. However, hospitals never seem to work in my favor and won't allow me to shadow one of these people, so I don't really get to know that for sure and I really don't like grey areas. On top of that, it's a pretty small field that I have about as much of a chance at making it in as I do of becoming a successful author. But that led me to social work in a hospital, which is still pretty high on the list but I also haven't had much luck setting up a shadowing day with one of them either.

At this point, I'm also considering nursing and behavior analysis as well. All of which sound great in theory, but haven't helped me in the slightest. I'm less sure of what I want to do now than I was when I graduated. And yeah, it's terrifying. I'm afraid that maybe I won't actually go back and I'll just have odd, unfulfilling jobs for the rest of my life. I had this grand idea of what I wanted to be doing with my life right now and I'm far from that right now. But why does that have to mean I won't ever get there? I'm gaining experience, ruling out things I know I don't want to do which is better than where I started.

It just sucks. It sucks that I feel like I'm not doing anything substantial. It sucks that I worry over if I ever will. It sucks not feeling a drive toward this one specific calling that makes everything else fall into place.

But, all that being said, I should take my own advice and learn not to rush. It's better to take my time and go back to school with a clear idea of where I want to go, than to dive in head first and end up with a bunch more debt and a degree I'm not proud of. What others believe, doesn't have to become my truth. Even if it takes longer than I had hoped. I say to myself while also still feeling anxious over the idea of taking another year off.

Maybe this is what they mean when they say your 20s are rough.